Monday, March 14, 2011

Important Life Decisions - Answered by WWJD (that's What Would Jennifer Aniston Do)

I've come to realize that all important life decisions can be answered through one simple question: WWJD or What Would Jennifer Aniston Do (I realize that would make it WWJAD, but it doesn't work as well).

It came to me after watching the movie Marley & Me (if you feel like you need to clear out your tear ducts, or if you aren't certain whether you are human or zombie and need to test this out, then watch this film). I was shopping a few days after the movie, and found myself confronted by several plaid shirts. Now, growing up on a farm, I had a few plaid shirts at home. Not just plaid, but flannel plaid. The store I was in was not a farm store (see: John Deere), nor was it a lumberjacking supplies store (see: Lumberjacks Surplus Store?). It was, as I recall, a trendy store (at least what I think it offense to John Deere or lumberjacks).

So there I was, staring at the plaid shirts, debating whether they were as trendy as I thought they were, or if that was just the farmer in me talking (that was dirty...go back and read again if you need to). Then I remembered Marley & Me...and remembered (ooo, using the the same word twice in one sentence - risky) that Jennifer Aniston herself was wearing a plaid shirt in that movie (at least, in my mind she's hard to say whether she actually was, or if I just made it up. I have yet to verify it, as this might ruin my theory regarding plaid). So I said aloud in the trendy store, 'What would Jennifer Aniston do?' (I may be taking creative liberties with this story...who knows) Alas, I received more strange looks than actual answers. So I answered it God, Jennifer Aniston would wear plaid. I walked out of the store that day with not one plaid shirt...but TWO (there was a sale)!!

Afterwards, quite pleased with my decision, I put on that plaid shirt with the confidence of knowing that Jennifer Aniston would approve of my choice! I was quite certain that every look I received was a look saying "Look...that plaid shirt...Jennifer Aniston would DEFINITELY do that (wear the plaid shirt, that is)!"

With my newly found confidence (an increase of at least 62%) I thought 'What else would Jennifer Aniston do (or WEWJAD)'?

- Beat Angelina Jolie in a ninja street fight? Of course...roundhouse kick to the back, followed by ninja stars to the hands (thus leaving her immobilized and stuck to the wall), followed by the deadly hadouken. Yes, Jennifer Aniston can hadouken. And she wouldn't even need the hadouken to defeat Chuck Norris.

- Dump Brad Pitt....WEWJAD? JAD would (sorry, couldn't resist)

- Go streaking at the New York Stock Exchange? Why wouldn't she?

- Save mankind from a zombie infestation? Yes! I am convinced that if zombies ever attempt to take over the planet, the answer is Jennifer Aniston. She will distract the zombies with her perfect hair (zombies are suckers for perfect hair), followed by ninja stars to the neck. A decapitated zombie is the kind of zombie you want to see. Unless you're a zombie too. Then probably not. If you are, look out for Jennifer Aniston.

- Jump up on the bar at your local Irish pub at 2pm in the afternoon and start singing? I think I'm thinking of Coyote Ugly...but yes, Jennifer Aniston would get up there and belt out "Can't Stop the Moonlight"...and she would win a Grammy for it (because they give Grammy's for best bar performance)!!

- Have cereal or toast for breakfast? Neither! Jennifer Aniston would have Skittles and a rainbow would eminate from her hair. At the end, there wouldn't be a pot of gold...there would be a swimming pool of awesomeness! And if you swam in it, you would become just a little bit awesomer!

Okay, so that would leave me as a naked, karaoke singing zombie fighter (well...more like I would be running away from the zombies), who the police are likely after for assaulting Angelina Jolie. But you know what, my plaid shirt (which incidentally would be lying on the floor at the NYSE in case you've which point the visiting Suze Orman would probably tie it around her head like Rambo!) looks hot! Oh, and the Pool of Awesomeness is like an invisibility shield from those that are not I would be safe!

Moral of the story, if you are ever faced with a tough decision, just ask yourself WWJD? You cannot go wrong!

Incidental moral of the story, if you are confronted with a zombie, call Jennifer Aniston for protection!

Okay, serious update to this...I Google searched "Jennifer Aniston plaid shirt"...and she has indeed donned the plaid. Theory proven. See here! (I'm going to be super upset if that attempt at hyperlinking doesn't work)

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