Monday, March 14, 2011

Important Life Decisions - Answered by WWJD (that's What Would Jennifer Aniston Do)

I've come to realize that all important life decisions can be answered through one simple question: WWJD or What Would Jennifer Aniston Do (I realize that would make it WWJAD, but it doesn't work as well).

It came to me after watching the movie Marley & Me (if you feel like you need to clear out your tear ducts, or if you aren't certain whether you are human or zombie and need to test this out, then watch this film). I was shopping a few days after the movie, and found myself confronted by several plaid shirts. Now, growing up on a farm, I had a few plaid shirts at home. Not just plaid, but flannel plaid. The store I was in was not a farm store (see: John Deere), nor was it a lumberjacking supplies store (see: Lumberjacks Surplus Store?). It was, as I recall, a trendy store (at least what I think it offense to John Deere or lumberjacks).

So there I was, staring at the plaid shirts, debating whether they were as trendy as I thought they were, or if that was just the farmer in me talking (that was dirty...go back and read again if you need to). Then I remembered Marley & Me...and remembered (ooo, using the the same word twice in one sentence - risky) that Jennifer Aniston herself was wearing a plaid shirt in that movie (at least, in my mind she's hard to say whether she actually was, or if I just made it up. I have yet to verify it, as this might ruin my theory regarding plaid). So I said aloud in the trendy store, 'What would Jennifer Aniston do?' (I may be taking creative liberties with this story...who knows) Alas, I received more strange looks than actual answers. So I answered it God, Jennifer Aniston would wear plaid. I walked out of the store that day with not one plaid shirt...but TWO (there was a sale)!!

Afterwards, quite pleased with my decision, I put on that plaid shirt with the confidence of knowing that Jennifer Aniston would approve of my choice! I was quite certain that every look I received was a look saying "Look...that plaid shirt...Jennifer Aniston would DEFINITELY do that (wear the plaid shirt, that is)!"

With my newly found confidence (an increase of at least 62%) I thought 'What else would Jennifer Aniston do (or WEWJAD)'?

- Beat Angelina Jolie in a ninja street fight? Of course...roundhouse kick to the back, followed by ninja stars to the hands (thus leaving her immobilized and stuck to the wall), followed by the deadly hadouken. Yes, Jennifer Aniston can hadouken. And she wouldn't even need the hadouken to defeat Chuck Norris.

- Dump Brad Pitt....WEWJAD? JAD would (sorry, couldn't resist)

- Go streaking at the New York Stock Exchange? Why wouldn't she?

- Save mankind from a zombie infestation? Yes! I am convinced that if zombies ever attempt to take over the planet, the answer is Jennifer Aniston. She will distract the zombies with her perfect hair (zombies are suckers for perfect hair), followed by ninja stars to the neck. A decapitated zombie is the kind of zombie you want to see. Unless you're a zombie too. Then probably not. If you are, look out for Jennifer Aniston.

- Jump up on the bar at your local Irish pub at 2pm in the afternoon and start singing? I think I'm thinking of Coyote Ugly...but yes, Jennifer Aniston would get up there and belt out "Can't Stop the Moonlight"...and she would win a Grammy for it (because they give Grammy's for best bar performance)!!

- Have cereal or toast for breakfast? Neither! Jennifer Aniston would have Skittles and a rainbow would eminate from her hair. At the end, there wouldn't be a pot of gold...there would be a swimming pool of awesomeness! And if you swam in it, you would become just a little bit awesomer!

Okay, so that would leave me as a naked, karaoke singing zombie fighter (well...more like I would be running away from the zombies), who the police are likely after for assaulting Angelina Jolie. But you know what, my plaid shirt (which incidentally would be lying on the floor at the NYSE in case you've which point the visiting Suze Orman would probably tie it around her head like Rambo!) looks hot! Oh, and the Pool of Awesomeness is like an invisibility shield from those that are not I would be safe!

Moral of the story, if you are ever faced with a tough decision, just ask yourself WWJD? You cannot go wrong!

Incidental moral of the story, if you are confronted with a zombie, call Jennifer Aniston for protection!

Okay, serious update to this...I Google searched "Jennifer Aniston plaid shirt"...and she has indeed donned the plaid. Theory proven. See here! (I'm going to be super upset if that attempt at hyperlinking doesn't work)

Monday, February 7, 2011

I need a ladder

I have recently developed an overwhelming fear that my roof is going to collapse on me. Here's why:
- I'm in Canada
- Everything you hear is snows
- While in actuality there is probably only about a foot of snow on my roof, in my mind, there's around six to sixteen feet

I am also certain that my roof will cave in just like the Metrodome. Although my roof is not an inflatable dome, this is what I picture happening. Not only that, but this collapse will occur while I'm in my bed.

For the past two days I awake every hour to check if the roof has collapsed. Now, I think that I would likely wake up if the roof were to collapse...but that does not matter. I must wake up to check. During this waking time (or Roof Reflection Period), I check that the roof is still there (through a visual check as well as a temperature check - as it would be cold inside if my roof were no longer there), listen for any sounds that may indicate it is about to collapse (creeks, thumps, cracking, meowing), and toss and turn a bit for good measure. It has yet to collapse.

I have determined that I must get this snow removed....ASAP. I called a roofing company today to ask them if they remove snow. To my chagrin, his response was "We're too busy with regular work." Either he really is too busy and doesn't need the extra $$$, or he thinks I am crazy (perhaps both?) And how is removing snow from my roof not regular work? Displeased.

After this rejection (not unlike the rejection experienced when you ask someone out and they say "Oooo...I'm kinda busy for the next year or so...but maybe after that"), I decided not to call anymore roofers and instead just go up there myself.

Here's the situation: I don't own a ladder. I have been in my house for over a year, and I don't have a ladder. I haven't really had a need, as I've gotten by by precariously balancing on various items (boxes, chairs, fences, trees, friends), and borrowing my elderly neighbors step ladder. Unfortunately, their step ladder does not quite reach my roof, and after a brush with death with it earlier in the year, I am not keen on using it again. So these are not options.

Solution: Buy a ladder. Will a ladder fit in my car? My mind tells me it will absolutely not. Which makes me wonder how most people are able to obtain ladders? Do they deliver ladders? Do they steal trucks to get ladders? If so, I would like to inform the police of my recent discovery. It could help stop crime!

I checked out Canadian Tire to see how much ladders are...$250!!! Can you believe that a piece of aluminum is that much? I feel like I could fashion some sort of ladder-like device for $25. Alas, I would likely end up in the same situation as if I were to use elderly neighbor's step ladder (death: brushing or meeting).

I came to terms that I would spend this money, but now I had to decide what to buy. Did you also know that there are at least 50 different kinds of ladders? How are there so many options? I mean, they all come in one color (aluminum). I could understand if they came in different colors like clothing (brushed aluminum, shiny aluminum, aluminum aluminum), but they do not!

I texted a friend to find out exactly what kind of ladder I should buy (as she has one). She said she absolutely loved her ladder and that its brand was: Vulvan.

Now, I realize that she may have meant Vulcan, but let's, for a moment, assume she didn't. Does Canadian Tire sell Vulvan ladders? If so, what section are they in? And what else can you buy in this section?

So now I guess I will go to Canadian Tire and ask them where I can find the Vulvan ladders...near the Labial Making machines I would think. I wonder if they have a deal where you can buy one Vulvan ladder and get a lube service for free.

All I know is my roof is still on. But I'm in my basement so I can't be sure.

What is that beeping?

Ever since I got back home following Christmas (I go out to my family's farm every Christmas for a heard right...a week), there has been something upsetting me every night. No, it's not that extra Christmas weight that I've gained or the turkey that is still sitting in my's a beeping sound. And I swear I only hear it at night.

I started thinking about my Christmas presents, and whether I brought anything back with me that beeps...since it clearly cannot be something that was BB (Before Beep) in my house. But this AB (After Beep) is starting to drive me crazy!

The day I got back from Christmas vacation (sort of vacation), I purchased a new phone. I thought to myself, 'I bet my new phone is beeping!' But it's not (it, rather, makes a high pitched squealing noise while it charges at night which keeps me awake in between beeps).

After about an hour of lying awake in bed, I decided I might as well get up to see where this beeping was coming from (I wasn't sleeping anyway).

First I checked my alarm clock. It was set...except to the radio. The alarm clock was not beeping, nor was the radio playing.

Next I scoured my room for other electronic devices (that make sounds). What I found was:
- my camera: not beeping
- my iPod: not beeping (not even the song Beep by the Pussycat Dolls)
- my laptop: not beeping

After I thought for a minute about how I seemed to have a lot of electronic devices in my room, and became mildly concerned that they might be banding together to form an army against me, I left my room to continue to search my house for beeping.

The stove: not beeping
The alarm system: not beeping (when it does beep, it doesn't wake me up anyway)
The microwave: not beeping
Computron: not beeping
Tv: not beeping
PS3: not beeping
Xbox: not beeping
Books: not beeping

At this point it was around 3 in the morning...and although I could not follow the beeping, I could still hear it (I swear that I could). It would soon be time to go to work. So I walked back upstairs, head hung in defeat, went back to bed, and determined that this beeping must be some sort of dark alarm. It doesn't beep during the it must be?

Right now, I feel like I'm entering the Shining...

All beeping and no silence makes Becky a dull girl
All beeping and no silence makes Becky a dull girl
All beeping and no silence makes Becky a dull girl
All beeping and no silence makes Becky a dull girl
All beeping and no silence makes Becky a dull girl
All beeping and no silence makes Becky a dull girl

I fear that I will never have a happy ending to this story. One day beeping...I will find you. And I will end you!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

My mom and emailing

I love my mom.

My mom, for the life of her, does not understand technology. My mother recently took a computer class for the older crowd to learn the basics of Word and the Intarwebz (or Internet). I am relatively certain that she only uses her 2 pointer fingers to type (I think it's possible that they actually teach them the Two Point method in the class), like this:

Upon completing this class, my sister and I set her up with an email account to stay in touch (my sister lives at home, so I'm uncertain if they email or not...possibly to brainstorm supper ideas, where my father is, what is on Mythbusters tonight, and whether or not the cats have been fed). So she now emails this:

This is a typical email from my mom which contains:
1) The fact that it's her at least twice, even though the email has been sent from HER email address (incidentally when she calls me, and I say 'Hi mom', she will always identify herself by saying "Hi, it's mom!")
2) All caps - It seems she has hit the Cap Lock button and is either unaware that she did this, or aware that she has and just needs larger letters in order to see. Everytime she says something, it's like she's yelling it. I LOVE YOU!
3) Clever usage of 'u' instead of 'you' (I am fairly certain that she picked this up by reading the banter on the website of her favorite baseball team, and is now attempting to show that she is in the technological know)
4) A comment about the weather. This is from her own views as to what the weather is outside. Once she has hit 'send' she will check the weather on a website in order to see if her speculations are accurate (it is, in fact, raining)
5) Lack of punctuation. I can understand, for some punctuation marks, that this may be tricky as she would need to use the 'shift' key. If the Two point method was taught in her computer class, this should not be an issue. However, if the One point method was taught, it would be virtually impossible to make a " or ?. That being said, there's no excuse for the lack of apostrophes or periods regardless of what method she uses.

My mom sends this to me at work. I, hoping to gain some parent points (these points can be used to: reduce the amount of phone calls per week from mom, increase the duration between trips home, or tip the favorite daughter scale in your favor which can be used to your benefit in many scenarios), email her back immediately:

Happily, I send my email off, and get back to work. A few seconds later I see a new message in my inbox. It's mom:

So, not only have I not gained any parent points, but I have seemingly lost points due to emailing her back during work...even though she began this email exchange. This continues for awhile, with my mom sending several more emails about the weather and what various people have posted on the baseball messageboards ("bluejaysfan359 really hates the Wells trade. Maybe John McDonald can play in the outfield?") . She finally leaves deciding that I should get back to work, and she should go check out the snow situation.

When I get home, I realize that not only did I lose points, but my balance outstanding is not enough to reduce the amount of phone calls either. The phone rings, and it's my mom.

Me: Hi mom.

Mom: Hello Becky?

Me: Hi mom. I live alone (she either thinks I have a secret girlfriend or a 900 number).

Mom: Oh, it's Mom.

Me: I know, Mom. I have call display.

Mom: Did you get my email?