Monday, February 7, 2011

I need a ladder

I have recently developed an overwhelming fear that my roof is going to collapse on me. Here's why:
- I'm in Canada
- Everything you hear is snows
- While in actuality there is probably only about a foot of snow on my roof, in my mind, there's around six to sixteen feet

I am also certain that my roof will cave in just like the Metrodome. Although my roof is not an inflatable dome, this is what I picture happening. Not only that, but this collapse will occur while I'm in my bed.

For the past two days I awake every hour to check if the roof has collapsed. Now, I think that I would likely wake up if the roof were to collapse...but that does not matter. I must wake up to check. During this waking time (or Roof Reflection Period), I check that the roof is still there (through a visual check as well as a temperature check - as it would be cold inside if my roof were no longer there), listen for any sounds that may indicate it is about to collapse (creeks, thumps, cracking, meowing), and toss and turn a bit for good measure. It has yet to collapse.

I have determined that I must get this snow removed....ASAP. I called a roofing company today to ask them if they remove snow. To my chagrin, his response was "We're too busy with regular work." Either he really is too busy and doesn't need the extra $$$, or he thinks I am crazy (perhaps both?) And how is removing snow from my roof not regular work? Displeased.

After this rejection (not unlike the rejection experienced when you ask someone out and they say "Oooo...I'm kinda busy for the next year or so...but maybe after that"), I decided not to call anymore roofers and instead just go up there myself.

Here's the situation: I don't own a ladder. I have been in my house for over a year, and I don't have a ladder. I haven't really had a need, as I've gotten by by precariously balancing on various items (boxes, chairs, fences, trees, friends), and borrowing my elderly neighbors step ladder. Unfortunately, their step ladder does not quite reach my roof, and after a brush with death with it earlier in the year, I am not keen on using it again. So these are not options.

Solution: Buy a ladder. Will a ladder fit in my car? My mind tells me it will absolutely not. Which makes me wonder how most people are able to obtain ladders? Do they deliver ladders? Do they steal trucks to get ladders? If so, I would like to inform the police of my recent discovery. It could help stop crime!

I checked out Canadian Tire to see how much ladders are...$250!!! Can you believe that a piece of aluminum is that much? I feel like I could fashion some sort of ladder-like device for $25. Alas, I would likely end up in the same situation as if I were to use elderly neighbor's step ladder (death: brushing or meeting).

I came to terms that I would spend this money, but now I had to decide what to buy. Did you also know that there are at least 50 different kinds of ladders? How are there so many options? I mean, they all come in one color (aluminum). I could understand if they came in different colors like clothing (brushed aluminum, shiny aluminum, aluminum aluminum), but they do not!

I texted a friend to find out exactly what kind of ladder I should buy (as she has one). She said she absolutely loved her ladder and that its brand was: Vulvan.

Now, I realize that she may have meant Vulcan, but let's, for a moment, assume she didn't. Does Canadian Tire sell Vulvan ladders? If so, what section are they in? And what else can you buy in this section?

So now I guess I will go to Canadian Tire and ask them where I can find the Vulvan ladders...near the Labial Making machines I would think. I wonder if they have a deal where you can buy one Vulvan ladder and get a lube service for free.

All I know is my roof is still on. But I'm in my basement so I can't be sure.

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